Attachment Needs of Children
Often, clients come into therapy with beliefs about themselves that interfere with their ability to have healthy relationships and can also lead to unhealthy behaviors. The wounds from early childhood impact us significantly. I like to compare childhood beliefs about who they are to the foundation of a house. If it is built on beliefs of “I am important, loved, valued, and worthy”, other experiences into adolescence and adulthood will confirm those beliefs. If it is built upon the beliefs of “I am invisible, not enough, and something is wrong with me”, later experiences will confirm this. It is difficulty to build a stable house on rocky soil, but a house built with a solid foundation is likely to sustain harsh weather conditions.
If you wonder if your attachment needs were met as a child or if there are childhood wounds that may be impacting you, consider the following attachment needs of children:
The attachment needs of kids refer to the emotional and psychological requirements that children have to feel safe, secure, and loved in their relationship with primary caregivers (usually parents). These needs are rooted in attachment theory, originally developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth.
1. Safety and Security
Children need to know that their caregiver is a safe haven—someone they can return to when they are scared, hurt, or overwhelmed.
This includes both physical safety and emotional security.
2. Consistency and Predictability
Kids need caregivers to be emotionally available and reliable.
When caregivers respond predictably and consistently, children develop trust and a sense of control over their environment.
3. Attunement
Children need caregivers to be tuned in to their emotions—able to notice, interpret, and respond appropriately to their needs and feelings.
Attunement builds emotional intelligence and helps the child feel seen and understood.
4. Comfort and Soothing
When upset, children need to be soothed by a calm, nurturing adult.
This helps them learn how to regulate their own emotions over time.
5. Love and Affection
Kids need to feel loved unconditionally, not just when they behave well or meet expectations.
Touch, kind words, and quality time are key here.
6. Support for Exploration
A secure attachment gives children the confidence to explore the world, try new things, and be independent—knowing their caregiver is a safe base to return to.
7. Validation and Empathy
Children need their thoughts and feelings to be acknowledged and accepted, not dismissed or ignored.
Empathic responses teach them that their emotions matter.
8. Boundaries and Guidance
Secure attachment doesn't mean saying yes to everything.
Children need loving limits and clear guidance to feel safe and to learn self-discipline and social norms.
The good news is that attachment wounds can be healed. EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprocessing) is an effective therapy modality to identify childhood experiences that left a mark, and to be able to reprocess them in order to change how you see yourself and how your body reacts.
