The secret sauce in grief
Knowing how to support someone in grief can be stressful. Oftentimes, it is avoided, leaving the grieving person feeling more isolated, because there is fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. The heart is in the right place, but the discomfort is intense. When someone we love experiences a significant, life-altering loss, our natural human instinct is to run toward them and fix it. We want to take away their pain, lift their heavy hearts, and say the exact right thing to make them smile again.
But as a therapist, I will tell you a hard truth: You cannot fix grief. And if you try to, you might accidentally make it harder for them. The poet Robert Frost wrote a poem in 1914 called, “A Servant to Servants” where he coined the phrase, “The only way out is through.” Let this basic truth be your guide. It is your permission to support, be with, and allow the one you love space to go through his or her unique, sacred, and painful emotions.
Grief is not a disease to be cured or a problem to be solved. It is a slow, messy, and deeply painful process of adapting to a new reality. When supporting friends or family, knowing what not to do is often just as important—if than more important—than knowing what to do.
Here are four common pitfalls to avoid when supporting a grieving loved one.
1. Don’t Offer Clichés or "Silver Linings"
When we feel uncomfortable with deep sadness, we tend to reach for platitudes to soften the blow. Avoid sentences that start with "At least..." or try to find a hidden blessing.
What to avoid: "They’re in a better place," "Everything happens for a reason," or "At least you had many great years together."
Why it hurts: These phrases minimize the loss and invalidate the person's current pain. They pressure the griever to look on the bright side when their world has just been shattered.
The Shift: Trade the clichés for honest, messy truth. It is entirely okay to say, "I don’t know what to say, but I am here, and I love you."
2. Don’t Say "Let Me Know If You Need Anything"
While this offer comes from a place of genuine generosity, it inadvertently places a heavy burden on the grieving person.
What to avoid: Putting the responsibility on them to reach out, coordinate, or figure out what they need.
Why it hurts: Severe grief causes profound cognitive fatigue. Deciding what to eat, let alone text-messaging a friend to ask for help, can feel like climbing a mountain.
The Shift: Be specific and proactive. Instead of asking what they need, offer a concrete task. Say, "I’m bringing dinner over on Thursday at 6:00 PM. I’ll leave it on the porch," or "I'm going to mow your lawn this weekend unless you tell me not to."
3. Don’t Impose a Timeline or Expectations
We live in a fast-paced world that expects quick recoveries. But grief operates on its own clock, and it is rarely linear. In addition, each relationship is unique. It can be the same "title” (i.e: spouse) but within that title, the relationship is unique and impacts the grief. Not all spouse’s grieve the same because not all marriage relationships are the same.
What to avoid: Expecting them to "be back to normal" after the timeframe you find acceptable, or policing how they express their grief (e.g., judging them for crying too much, or judging them for laughing). If someone you love is experiencing intense, disabling grief that persists for more than 12 months, there might be complicated grief in which old wounds or guilt interferes with their ability to grieve. If this is the case, therapy could be helpful in working through those things. However, keep in mind, that it is normal for someone who spent a lifetime loving someone to feel sad or lost for more than 12 months after their world got turned upside down.
Why it hurts: There is no standard timeline for mourning. When we show impatience, we make our loved ones feel isolated, misunderstood, or like they are "grieving wrong."
The Shift: Meet them exactly where they are today. If they want to talk about their loss for the hundredth time, listen. If they want to sit in total, heavy silence, sit with them. Let their current emotional state dictate the room.
4. Don’t Disappear When the Initial Shock Wears Off
In the days immediately following a tragedy, a grieving person is usually surrounded by a flood of casseroles, flowers, and visitors. But three weeks, three months, or a year later, the crowd thins out.
What to avoid: Assuming that because time has passed, they have moved on and don't want to talk about it anymore.
Why it hurts: The hardest part of grief often begins after the funeral, when the shock wears off and the quiet, permanent reality sets in. This is when the loneliness peaks.
The Shift: Mark your calendar for the months ahead. Send a text on a random Tuesday six months from now saying, "I’m thinking about you and [Name] today." Don't be afraid to say the deceased person's name—hearing it is a comforting reminder that their loved one is not forgotten.
Uncomplicated grief requires you to be a steady, non-judgmental presence. The goal is not to pull them out of the storm; it is simply to open your umbrella and stand in the rain beside them. If you or someone you know feels stuck in grief and needs professional help beyond what if available, please reach out. I’d be honored to help.
